People on Facebook ask me in messenger whether I’m okay or not. Since I announced a little time out on Facebook.
I’m okay. I have been better. I broke up with my Filipino boyfriend and I do not want to spill out my emotions on Facebook.
Breaking up with someone is always painful, even if you are the one that makes the decision and speaks the words. I hurt, my heart is broken, I struggle with the feelings of being used and misled. I do not want those feelings, but they do pop up. I try to avoid them because they come with bitterness and resentment.
I have to let go of hope and dreams, heal from broken promises and disappointments, learn to trust my intuition again.
I struggle with myself. I hate making people sad, I made him sad, well, that is what he told me, that he is in great pain.
I hate myself for that
I just wished I could wave a magic wand and turn everything for the best. You know, those fairytales endings where all comes outright and they ride in the sunset, alone or together, but in peace.
Ending a relationship means, finding your balance all over again. Creating a new rhythm to live by. Adjusting to silence, embracing solitude and finding the perseverance and courage to do things on your own again.
Dealing with a broken heart in your own country and culture is hard, but without support from friends close by or in the same time-zone and living in a different country and culture I find it even harder.
I have to adjust to my reclusive lifestyle again. For there is no one to share my daily thoughts with. If I see something on my way I cannot text him anymore.
And the feeling of loneliness that is already knocking on my door every now and then, since I’m a woman abroad, solo traveling, now knocks even louder. Especially at night time.
There are no more ‘good night’- messages or ‘good morning’- messages
And although it hurts badly, I know this decision is for the best. The relationship was slipping away progressively since January, or maybe even since my return to his island, after my travels to Boracay.
Broken promises, no shows, cancellations, I didn’t know the guy I was dating anymore, he changed. Unrecognizable. I missed the guy I once knew and fell in love with, and I do not know where he went or why he changed.
I’m a stranger in a strange land under a strange culture, where men are macho and women are tiger-mums.
And I was not used to any of those.
He and I struggled through language barriers and cultural differences. But in the end family, ties are stronger, and choices were made, and after that, I felt I was left with no other choice than choosing me.
I come from a land where equality among men and women rules
I come from a culture where clear choices are made, you love someone then you are with that person, you stand up for that person, committed to the relationship, you build a future together.
You build a foundation of trust, of loyalty and togetherness.
Here I was in a relationship without a foundation, no togetherness, no future goals set.
There were constant family interruptions, and everybody seemed to rule the agenda except me. Everybody’s needs and wishes had to be attended to immediately, and time with me or my wishes was almost always second or even third.
There were only dreams. And now I realize that they were built just to please me because, in the end, they proofed to lack any form of reality. It took me 7 months to realize that this relationship with this sweet dreamer of a man, was not going anywhere. Unless I was totally submissive to his agenda and his family’s needs.
Now I heal, alone, tucked away in my little rural cottage
I say ‘hi’ to the cow next door, talk to the little wild kittens that roam around in the garden and even to the plants I water every day since he is no longer here to water them for me.
It hurts, it will take some time. I need to find my balance, my own rhythm, my own tune to sing.
I need to enjoy my own company again, as I did before I met him.
I need some time to heal. To rebuild my own future plans, create new dreams for a single woman abroad.
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