Does your relationship have double standards?
Are you wondering if your relationship has double standards? Do you feel like you are treated unfairly by your partner? Do you feel like you cannot do what you want while your partner seems to do anything they want? If so, please continue reading.
First, let’s determine what double standards are
When I search the internet for the meaning of double standards I find this:
A double standard is a rule or principle that is unfairly applied in different ways to different people or groups. In an intimate relationship, this usually occurs when one partner has expectations of the other that they fail to apply to themselves.
Does this apply to you, or do you feel this might apply to your relationship, then continue reading? I will give you 5 examples of double standards I experienced over the years in my relationships and while dating and I give you a solution to solve the issue.
What are examples of double standards in relationships?
I am sure that while reading this you can come up with some examples yourself. Feel free to share them in the comment section. It will be impossible for me to address them all and keep this a readable article. But you can help others by sharing your examples or help yourself by writing down your worries. So I or others can advise you.
1. Your partner can have a friend of the opposite gender but you are limited in that freedom.
Jealousy can be a healthy thing, it can make you feel wanted and secure. But when your contacts outside the relationship are used against you and your partner talks to whoever they like and comment constantly on your activities whether online or offline, something is seriously wrong.
You may even consider they are projecting their own behavior on you. For you might be innocent in your contact with others and they are not, that projection makes them overprotective and controlling. They kind of think you are like them.
It needs to be addressed at the earliest warning signs possible and your partner has to level up to this behavior. If they refuse to own the problem, you have a problem.
Healthy relationships are about freedom and trust. The trust not to do anything that would hurt your partner. So it is wise to set some rules about monogamy and when lines are crossed. This can clear the air and create more trust.
If it does not, and you are being limited in your contacts and interaction with people, you have to decide whether or not to live with it or leave the relationship.
If your partner continues to see you as their property or limit you in who you can talk to and who not, I seriously advise you to end the relationship.
2. Your partner demands you to reply to his text immediately but keeps you hanging forever.
If your partner gets very impatient with you when you do not reply to their messages instantly but keeps you hanging for hours or even ignores your messages when it suits them, you are in a disrespectful relationship. And you have to worry that will ever change.
When a guy starts dating you he should do so from a point of respect.
If he does not, there is no use in continuing. If you address this behavior of leaving you hanging in text messages or unanswered phone calls you are just teaching a dog to meow.
I have addressed this behavior a few times, telling him how much a regretted his absence the only two times I needed him and he gave some lame excuses of cleaning the house. Told me to be calm, to not make a big thing out of it, for I knew he loved me.
3. Your partner wants you to listen to their problems or emotions but never makes time to listen to yours.
I remember reaching out to my boyfriend once telling him how I missed him, we only saw each other the weekends and he had just left and the apartment seemed unnaturally empty. He read it and did not reply. That can happen, a person can be very busy. Although, it is my belief that even when you are busy you can type a few words or send a kissing smiley and follow up asap.
That did not happen. I told him how sad I felt about this. he never gave any reason for not replying. A few months later, it happened again. I felt so sad, told him how much I missed him and how empty the apartment was and he texted me an “I love you”.
Later that evening I told him again I really felt lonely and I missed him, nothing, silence. He did not even address it the next morning or told me why he did not answer. Later that day when I did not answer right away to his “hi babe”, I got a lot of text and question marks and immature remarks like “I am not important to you?” because I was not replying.
The same thing would happen if I did not reply quickly enough to his: where are you?
4. Your partner expects you to always have sex with them.
I think it is very wrong when you demand sex all the time from your partner. And when they are not willing or not in the mood you kind of ride it out by trying to heat up the oven in case they change their minds. It is so disrespectful.
I remember a relationship where I would just give in so he would stop and leave.
You have consensual sex to a certain point here, for is it consensual when one partner says no but then kind of agrees to it for the sake of peace?
It is a grey-ish area for me.
You have to decide what you do. But using sex as a weapon in a fight or demanding it, or disrespectfully claiming it because you are a couple is never a good sign.
5. Your partner wants to know where you are, what you are doing and with whom but never shares their whereabouts.
It is about trust. But it is also about personal freedom. At the beginning of a relationship, you have no clue what your partner is doing and how their daily routines are. Once you spend more time together and their daily routine still does not make any sense and you grope in the dark about the many hours in the day they are not available for you and they never explain, you have to wonder if your trust is justified.
Especially when they demand to know about your whereabouts all day every day.
I had this boyfriend that would check in on me several times a day, asking me for photos of where I was because he loved me, he was interested and he wanted to know all about me. That is what he told me when I asked him why he wanted that. “I am working babe and I want to see how your day is…….It sounded sweet at first, but after a few weeks, it started to bother me.
Because he never told me where he was. he never returned the favor.
He always texted me from the bus in the mornings, for example, many hours after he woke up. Why was that?
When I asked I never got an answer. When I pressed him, he became irritated and told me to stay calm.
One time I told a guy I was dating, I was going to a seminar and had to switch off my phone for a few hours he started calling me during that seminar and blew up my phone. Ignoring the fact that I told him upfront.
We had a huge argument over this. When I told him he acted stupid and insecure he told me to shut up about it that I was never going to win this argument for he loved me and was worried.
It was the moment I started to doubt the health and quality of my relationship with him. I wanted to address it as an incident, but other remarks added to the topic and made me worry a lot.
Bad relationships create unrest, good relationships just feel good
I broke off with all the men I address in this article. Some suffocated me, others were way out of line with their jealousy and insecure behavior, and others were manipulating and gaslighting me when we tried to talk about it.
I am nearly 60, please don’t think I have had only bad relationships.
I have met wonderful men, some could not help themselves when it came to jealousy, but they owned up to their emotions and we could talk about it and laugh it off. And to be honest I do like a man that shows a little possessiveness and jealousy. But not into the extremes.
Communication is the key here in all these issues. If you are unable to communicate with your partner in a healthy grown-up and emotionally mature way that can start a change in your relationship dynamics, you are on thin ice.
Your partner may try to brush off your concerns
When trying to address their issues your partner may tell you they are only joking, or they love you so much that is why they do this, or that it is for your protection or a worse thing like: you know nothing of love, or about me, or about dating in this culture when you date cross-cultural. Or blame third parties, your friends, or your circumstances.
But you always know when something is not quite right, that is why you search the internet for answers. trust yourself and not the seemingly comforting words of your partner. For they have a reason to tell you what they tell you: they want to control you, they are afraid of losing you or they are controlling.
Never doubt yourself or your feelings of unrest.
You can question your feelings of unrest, which is good, that only shows you are mature and learned from past experiences perhaps. But do not ignore them. Your happiness is at stake when alarm bells ring.
- Know your boundaries and communicate them
- Do not be afraid to be vulnerable in addressing issues that arise
- Always try to communicate without blaming the other
- Talk from your own feelings by using “I” and avoid using “you”
- Relationships should be fun and a safe place where you can blossom and grow and become a better version of yourself because of your partner’s presence.
The floor is yours, share your ideas of imbalance and or double standards in a relationship and how to overcome them. What are your red flags and what did you learn from past relationships? What are you struggling with? tell me, I love to read your stories in the comment section.
JC from Holland
Jeanette, a Dutch female nomad, started to travel the world at the age of 17. Walker of beaches, shell searcher, and iPhone photographer. Always horizon bound preferably on a motorcycle. Currently, she lives in a desert village in Baja California Sur in Mexico. She is an emigration coach and works online.