A breakup hurts, even if you are the dumper. I walked out on my plus 3 months boyfriend after I discovered he had another relationship he seemed very bonded in and I was the new girl and he didn’t end the previous relationship. It hurt like hell, that moment you realize that the red flags were real and not just imaginary.
And sometimes it still hurts. I know a little over 3 months with only 1 month of real-life meetings and dates isn’t that long, but when I love I love hard, I am an all or nothing kind of woman. I do not start a relationship with a person on false pretends. Although I had my doubts and my guard up for a while.
1. I broke up mentally with him long before the initial breakup
It’s your intuition that tells you something if off, and in my case, my boyfriend lied to me from the first moment we met. He simply sounded too good to be true. And he used the word “girlfriend” way too soon.
But it was something that happened early on in our relationship that made me realize he actually lied to me. I just did not have any proof. But I just knew it and I guess that was the moment the trust was gone and I kind of checked out already. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, but nothing more than that. And he proofed me right.
2. I grieved over the time wasted on this guy, not over him
When recovering from a breakup with a cheater, even if you are the one who broke up with him. You have to keep it in perspective, the time you lost is more important than the guy who betrayed you.
You wasted so much valuable time that you could have spent differently. My so-called boyfriend stole almost 4 months from me that I could have spent in a much better way than pleasing him and boosting his fragile ego.
I never truly knew him since he kept a whole secret life hidden from me, so who was he after all? I do not know how to grieve over a man I did not know.
I know how to grieve over what happened and the time he made me waste on him and the fantasy life he made me live.
3. He is forever banished from the people I care about
Either I love you and care for you, or you are out, it is black or white in my life, that is how I tick.
He broke my trust, he knew about my trust issues, promised me better and to never break my trust and he willfully broke my trust.
For me that proofs how low a person he is.
Some articles on the internet say he lied to me because he loved me so much and was afraid of losing me. I do not buy that. Love is not binding a person through lies, love gives a person a free choice, I never had a free choice, I was a prisoner of his lies.
If you lie to a woman like that you do not care for that person at all, you are 100% totally selfish.
4. Why would I waste any more time on a guy like that?
He had taken enough from me, he took my heart and broke it, he made me live in a world of lies, he used me. He never showed any remorse, his lies continued even in our talks after the breakup. It was only and always about him blaming me for the way I handled his infidelity. About the way, I called him a liar and a master brain for scheming behind my back and in my face.
So tell me my stupid heart: why should I waste any more time on a man like that? He wasted so much of my precious time already.
It is time to spend time on me and my life, and my future. There is a cue of men waiting to date me, I just pick a guy that treats me well, and that will not be hard, since he treated me so bad.
5. I erased all the good times
It helps me to clear out my life and remove him. Erase him completely. Even my comments on his social media before I checked myself out, and his comments on mine before I unfriended him. For nothing had a fundamental base to exist, every flirt, every like, every emoji, every tweet, every expression of love and admiration, every couple selfie, everything was based on lies.
Those lies were a cloud over everything that happened, every gift, every word, every moment. Even household things I bought especially for him, out!!
Some relationships just aren’t worth saving.
6. I thrive on the experience, not the hurt
You have a choice after an experience like this, you can wallow in sorrow and hurt, cry your eyes out and take a slow recovery, or get your act together after a few days and find the strongest emotion you feel and make it work for you.
I have never ever had a man lie to me in such a grandiose way. I guess there is a first for everything, better make sure I damn right to learn from the experience and mark the red flags so I will never ignore them again.
7. I promised myself a better future
Learning from my experience I promised myself to fall in love with life again, to be a happy and thriving single before anything else. I gave myself a few days to pamper myself, to cry, work through emotions, to hate, to feel the pain.
Then I got up and went out. build a new routine, away from the texting, the contact moments and the dates. I have fun, meet people, go on dates, and seek beauty in every day that passes. And it heals my soul.
I trust myself enough to know that this will pass and I will be just fine!
8. I know he isn’t thinking about me
I know he does not think about me the way I think about him. He does not miss me, in the same way, I missed him. Men like him can not connect with women, they have an issue with intimacy and bonding. They are like flies, here, there, everywhere, they see it as their right to seduce and use women.
So why would I waste my time thinking about him and “what-if” if he had been honest? Reminding myself of his selfish behaviour towards me all my thoughts easily shifted from: “What if”….to “No thanks”.
9. My love turned into indifference because of something he said
I guess I got lucky, I mean, you can break up with a person and still feel love, after all, you never saw this coming, even if you had your suspicion, right?
In one of our post-breakup conversation, he made a remark and I realized there and then that my love for him was gone. Like you flip a switch.
Did I have doubts or a longing for something he represented, he lost me there. Totally. It made it a lot easier to walk away from him.
10. It was not me, it was him
It is easy to go into a guilt trip when you are cheated on and lied to, especially when the guy tries to gaslight you. But I kept my focus.
All I had to do was stand my ground, to show him I was a woman of value, a woman of my word. That I am a woman that values honesty and integrity.
His infidelity and all his lies, they did not happen because of me, but because of his character.
Jeanette, a Dutch female nomad, started to travel the world at the age of 17. Walker of beaches, shell searcher and iPhone photographer. Writer and owner of two websites
Currently, she lives in Mexico.
She is an emigration coach and works online.