There are a lot of people that are convinced that an ex is an ex for a reason, and not till too long I was one of them.
I had this habit of removing an ex so definitely out of my life that he would ever wonder if he was part of it. I would delete photos, throw away gifts and force myself to never look back.
The pain over the breakup, even if I was the one breaking up, I use to clean up my life and the mess the relationship left behind.
I would look for my learning curve and promise myself next time it would be different.
The fact that I write this in plural proofs that next time it was no different and I went through a few messy breakups. And the fore last one made me realize I had made choosing the wrong guy to an art form.
Regarding my childhood it is amazing I come to love at all. for as a child I never knew unconditional love.
For me, love is always conditional and when I find that real gem that is genuine about his feelings for me and excepts me the way I am, no questions asked, I kind of start messing things up.
I have no clue what to do in a relationship like that.
Let alone try it again with an ex. Gosh, I must be gone mad, right? After deleting him from my life, why would I let him back in?
Filipinos deal differently with breakups than western people do. We tend to pull away in hurt and never look back. And if we do look back, we snoop around on his or her Facebook in the hope we find some miserable life because we are not in it anymore and terribly missed.
Some of us take the plunge and try it again, but only a few succeed.
In the Philippines, when two people break up, the occasional contact moments may pop up every now and then. Like Christmas or Valentine’s day. Just testing the waters, so to speak.
Asking how you are doing.
And it was on one of those occasions I took the bait and talked some more than just the cold polite: fine, thank you…….and than ‘ignore’.
We both realize after a few dates that this relationship will not be the same, and that is ok. We both learned from our previous mistakes and we talked about that. We are just not sure we do it for the right reasons and that is what we are going to find out.
We do not want to get back together out of loneliness, sympathy or any other emotion than that we truly care for each other and we can rekindle love.
We do care for each other, we have established that we are really good friends at the moment
Rebuilding our relationship will not be easy, for some of the same problems will occur, we talked about that also. Simply because they are unsolvable.
But in the past, we handled them wrong, and we both have acknowledged that we need a different attitude towards situations that are beyond our ability to change.
The best thing to do when getting back together with your ex is to establish if you both want it. And we both want to try it. We have vocalized our fears, our past mistakes, our pain and how we feel right now.
We have also talked about our needs, our reality and what we expect in a relationship.
We have decided to take it slow. Very, very slow
The first time we fell in love, it was overwhelming, I was swept off my feet by his persistence and we were together way too many times, and the spark just died.
And with that annoyance grew and he, in his eagerness to please me and keep me, made so many promises he could not keep.
I in my defensive behavior, handled his attitude all wrong and shamed him a lot. Hurting his feelings and projecting my insecurities and lack of experience with unconditional love on him.
Add to that the cultural differences and the fact that we both speak English as a second language, and you have all the ingredients for failure.
Now we both have to overcome our defenses and denial and the way we handle relationships and start rebuilding a new one.
Again: slow, very slow.
We both realize that loneliness should not be the reason we want to get back together, neither should it be because it is nice and easy, familiar in a certain way. For we both realize one thing: it will not be easy.
And unlike the first time, our being together should be fun.
We have to make new memories to erase the old sad ones and we have to rebuild trust.
We are like two dancers on a dance floor, handling our broken hearts and hurt feelings with such care that we can hardly dance together, we kind of cautiously circle around each other listening to the music trying to find togetherness in the motions.
We realize we cannot just press the reset button and move from there as if nothing happened. But we are willing to try. And that is what counts.
How to approach a new relationship with an ex?
you want to avoid recreating the same dynamics you had before
you have to grasp your part in the issues that led to the breakup.
you have to vocalize your regrets and mistakes and even apologize for them and forgive each other
you have to be willing to work on yourself and change
you have to be able to give the other person the space to heal from broken trust and hurt feelings
you have to talk, about the past and the present and the future
you have to get your priorities straight and communicate them
you have to let go of that past sooner or later and rebuild a new future together
you have to build in quality time to check on the other how it is going and if you are still on the same page
Getting back together is a long process and it should not be done in haste
If you have lived together, do not move in together right away, that is like pressing the reset button and it will not work in favor of the new relationship.
You may have to deal with a lot of friends and family resenting your decision, after all, they supported you when you cried your eyes out and chose sides. If those people speak their minds and make good points listen to them and discuss them with your partner after overthinking them. Openness is the key to a new future.
But remember, although outsiders may want to influence your decision, in the end, it is all up to you, you can take their feedback and listen to it, but it is your life.
We have decided to take it slow, but we also made a promise to date exclusively without the label boyfriend/girlfriend. We both were not ready for that. But we also do not want to lose each other in the process of reconnecting. We both needed the reassurance of exclusiveness.
We realize that our relationship will never be the same, but we trust that if we do it right this time, it will be a good thing.
We want to rekindle the spark, the love we once felt.
We want to grow towards each other and see what the future brings us.
This time with both eyes open and heads up. Both stronger and growing in self-love, less depending on each other and more aware of our own lives and priorities.
We do not want the same relationship, we want it to be stronger, more mature and more sincere than before.
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Jeanette, a Dutch female nomad, started to travel the world at the age of 17. Walker of beaches, shell searcher and iPhone photographer. Writer and owner of two websites
Currently, she lives in Mexico.
She is an emigration coach and works online.