Relationship Tips

I broke up with him because he had another Girlfriend

When you discover that your boyfriend had another girlfriend your world kind of crumbles. Especially when you had the exclusive and monogamous talk en he promises you a future together. Let me share my story with you, for you have searched the internet for answers, maybe reading about it knowing you are not alone can help you.

From the moment we met, I had an odd feeling. But knowing my own trust issues, that I shared with him, I wasn’t sure that it was me sabotaging a good relationship to be or really my gut feeling screaming on top of its voice.

He was moving way too fast, and although I tried to keep my own comfortable pace, his speed should have told me enough about him and his character. But since I am a sucker for romance and watched way too many Disney movies for my own good, I also believed in love at first sight. Now, afterwards, I know his behaviour has a name. But believe me, it is hard to recognize when you are vulnerable and those butterflies are distracting you.

I was being love-bombed

He seemed genuine, kind, open, loving, caring, a little selfish, but hey, character counts. And he seemed very available. A little too much probably. But being in lockdown due to COVID 19 and bored to death, his attention was a welcoming break in my day.

And in my day he was, from 5 am until late at night he was there, and when I did not respond fast enough there would be double texting with sweet sentences like: hey sweety, where are you? are you busy?

I had little to none free time and my phone slowly got glued to my hand to chat with him.
Chatting became sexting and on and on it went. With the speed of lighting, he declared me his love and when I called him out on previous words that he does not fall in love easily, he soothed my mind with explanations that were ever so sweet.

I felt…..overwhelmed, loved, had this vague idea about a kind of weird Stockholm Syndrome, where a hostage falls in love with her capturer since he was mostly my only contact during those weeks of lockdown.

I fell for him, and I fell hard.

This guy was too good to be true. And he was

Usually, when a man starts a relationship moving so fast, there is something wrong. Either he is a player, or he has a narcissistic tendency or some sort of social disorder. But it is not up to me to put a label on a person. And I liked it, I kind of needed the attention he gave me, to a certain point.

Long story short, we chatted for over 2 months and although he did not spend all his time with me chatting, at one point he told me I was his during the day girl and his nights were for friends and family (that should have been a major red flag!!) I was okay with that. For I was in desperate need for some me-time myself. So it all seemed to make sense. yet it should not have made sense in the way it did.

When we met after the lockdown, my gut feeling was in overdrive. Really there was something off. The time we spent together I saw many female names passing his WhatsApp as we watched YouTube together on his phone. But since he did not hide it from me, What is there to fear? he played his cards so smart.

He was a manipulator to the bone, and he deserves an Oscar nomination for his role-play.

He walked hand in hand with me, kissed me in public, made selfies with me (although he never posted them on his Facebook, Red Flag!!) he did everything by the book and it felt great. Most of the time.

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I had this constant nagging feeling something was off

After our second date, I could not ignore my feeling anymore and I started asking why I was not allowed in his Facebook if he had another Girlfriend or other women he was dating. But he reassured me that I was the only one in his life. And that I was not on his Facebook because he did not use it a lot. It was not important to him at all, and after all, I was on his Twitter and Instagram, right?

I did not want to be the jealous nagging girlfriend sinking away in insecurity, and after all, he knew about my trust issues, so I was sure he would not break my trust as he promised me.

But I became a spy, for my gut feeling was there for a reason. And although I never looked in his phone, I checked out his social media. I followed tracks, found multiple Facebook accounts and finally found the woman whose name I saw so many times on his phone.

He told her he loved her, he missed her and she told him the same. But it ended a few weeks before he met me in real life. Not nice to see, but if it ended……..?

I did not have proof, only that she still texted him and he was flirting with her and multiple other women. By then he already told me he liked to flirt: But it is only a flirt Corazon, only looking, I do not act upon it. They know I have a girlfriend. 

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He started becoming hot and cold, distant and close, pushing and pulling

We all know that when a man is showing inconsistency in his behaviour there is something happening beyond our control. It could be work (he told me it was work, now I know it was him and her that specific date and time) it could be family stress, or there is someone else…….

Need I say more?

I kept tabs on her profile and the one profile he seemed to be operating from the most, found a lot of disturbing things in the past on the other profiles, but the past is the past, let’s just let sleeping dogs lie, let’s focus on here and now.

And there is was: He and she changed the relationship status to being “in a relationship”.

I was shocked! I took screenshots, also from the other posts I found and confronted him. Through Whatsapp, since he was staying at his at work, or so he told me. I now realize I knew nothing about him and, to be honest, I had no clue where he was in the nights he was not with me. But let’s assume he was at work and he was, as he told me, sleeping there due to the COVID-19 regulations. He was coming to stay at my place that very night, but I did not want him over. Not after what I found out.

I do not like it when people lie multiple times in my face, saying they will not break my trust and then break it openly on something as stupid as Facebook.

He was upset, she meant nothing to him, it was a joke with an ex-girlfriend, he had many excuses. But for me none made sense. Why would a person that is so closed of and does not use his social media openly changes his relationship status with a woman who he claims is his ex?

I told him he could collect his clothes which he left at my place the next day and that we were over.

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He was upset, very upset

He was not so much upset about lying to me and about his infidelity, he was upset because I “kicked him out of the house”. he blamed me for that, told me he could never trust me again.  I realized I never knew this man, who can be so twisted in his mind that he overlooks his own faults and blames the women he claims to love for acting pretty normal out of hurt and feeling betrayed?

We talked a little back and forth, I apologized (yes I did) for the way I handled it, but not for what I did, he never apologized for his part and for hurting me and lying to me and breaking my trust.
He only said once that he never meant to hurt me. Well, he did this intentionally, so he knew there was a risk of hurting me and he did not lose any sleep over that.

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It hurt like hell, but I made up my mind

We tried to talk, I needed closure. We tried to fix it. But he was never eager to show me remorse and eagerness to show me how and if he was going to change. He made some lame promises that he bounced back from within 24 hours and all of a sudden I was really really done.

I felt so stupid, so low, so betrayed, I was so in pain, and he simply suggested we should have fun for now and not look too much in the future and move the questions I had to a later date. Probably in the hope I would forget them. My question if he broke up with here never got any proof other than I am no longer with her. And technically that is correct, for she lives on the other side of the country.

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How am I doing now?

I am recovering and started dating again, I have a lot of matches on the dating site, but I struggle with trust.

I talk to a few men, but my heart is nowhere near ready to meet anyone. I am tired. although my body, that was coping with a lot of little outbreaks and sicknesses (sign on the wall) is recovering, I sleep a lot.

I take a lot of showers, to symbolically wash him and all the negativity he brought to my life away. I do a lot of self-care.

I write, I reread my diaries, I comfort myself, I heal.

I still believe I made the right choice by removing him from my life completely. I erased everything, every photo, every commend and emoji he posted on my social media. There is no trace of him left, only these articles on my website. A kind of therapeutic writings in the hope other people can learn from them. Then at least all that happened has some value.

The only comfort I have is that my gut feeling works fine, I just should have acted on it before, maybe even without the evidence I was looking for. God knows I had plenty of reason to dump him before we even met.

Some say: you should have stayed

Some people say I should have stayed and enjoyed my time with him. They have different reasons for it

I could have very selfishly enjoyed him and left him as soon as my paperwork here in Mexico is ready and used him the way he uses me. That sure crossed my mind as an option, but there were other things I did not like about him the way we had sex for example. And when you are in a true open relationship you work on that, but for an FWB….? Nah, then it should be just right.

I could have won from her. Since she was not anywhere close, he might have chosen me. Yeah, could be, but for me, infidelity is a huge thing. I would never do to another person what I do not like being done to me. And when I contacted her, she was still under the impression they had a relationship, she was okay with his infidelity, But I could tell she was hurt. And I felt sorry for her, because of what he told me about her, that she meant nothing to him. No woman should have that happen to her. And I realized that in the future I might become her. Not my cup of tea to date a guy who has one foot out of the door. And besides, he was in my bed when he decided to openly be in a relationship with her, so I was his mistake, not his love. I am not going to compete with an invisible woman he obviously loved more, knowing I could never trust him.

Are you in a relationship with a man that has another girlfriend?

Make sure that before you judge and throw a fight,  you have had the exclusive talk, and you both agreed on being exclusive, do not assume you are. He is free to date whom he wants when he is not exclusive with you. My ex was exclusive with two women at least. That is why I confronted him.

Make sure none of your morals is compromised and your integrity is not violated, when you search for evidence, make sure you do not violate his privacy. And if you decide to stay with him and hope you win, make sure you can look at yourself in the mirror every day without feeling guilt, and make sure you are aware of the risks of dating a player.

When you decide to leave him, make sure you do not do it to get revenge or make him crawl back or force a decision. Do it because of you. That way you have won the battle up front.

When he does come back for you make sure that that is what you want and that you will be able to trust him again int he future. No man is worth living in constant anxiety for.

Make sure he shows remorse and the will to prove to you he wants to change, he should apologize and say that he is sorry, and name what he is sorry for, not just for hurting you but for everything he did. And he should answers all your questions patiently and that he is able to step over his own pain and hurt to be there for you to comfort you. Make sure he understands what he did to you and how that made you feel.

Need answers?

Drop your comments in the comment section, and your stories so others feel comforted by the knowledge they are not struggling alone.

I cannot answer questions about your boyfriend’s honesty or fidelity. But we can talk about your feelings and dispair, your doubts and maybe your recovering process or decision to make.

And maybe you need some private time with me? That is possible also. 

Jeanette, a Dutch female nomad, started to travel the world at the age of 17. Walker of beaches, shell searcher and iPhone photographer. Writer and owner of two websites Currently, she lives in Mexico. She is an emigration coach and works online.

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