It happens all over the world, men sometimes withdraw from the woman they feel close to. And we women panic when that happens, deep down in our gut we know something is wrong and we want to fix it. That is an instinctive reaction.
What we do not realize is that it is that reaction that drives him away even more.
Asking him if something is wrong will close his heart. He probably denies it and withdraws even further. For he feels ‘one of those conversations’ coming.
But then what to do? When the love of your life does not call you that often and you fear he is walking away?
When you research the internet, there are so many websites that tell you exactly what to do. But does that work?
Tips you get are so submissive and so written from the masculine ‘this is how I want my wife to be’-point of view that they make me shiver.
Be attractive to him again…….suggesting you weren’t attractive anymore and walking around in your house pants all day without make-up and a hairdo. But what if he met you like that and fell in love with you because of those house pants and relaxed attitude towards life?
Do not chase him and let him go, for he will feel forced if you try to close the gap. As if we women do not deserve an answer for behavior that can end up in a guy ghosting you?
You have to let him naturally ‘get hungry’ again. Yes, I agree on that one, but he has to want to be hungry for you and not your best friend or any other girl for that matter.
And he should want to get hungry with you…..
Now it seems to be mostly women that search the internet troubled by guys pulling away, or it is just me not doing my research right, but I guess this feeling goes both ways. And this article, although written from the female point of view, can be read by bewildered guys as well. because it is not about giving the other freedom to pull away and you working your butts off to win them back, it is an article about common sense and how to use it.
So, what to do when a guy pulls away?
1. Stay calm
Your guy may be so in love with you but other matters might need his attention. Like: work or family matters, or the mere thought that you are the real deal to him Maybe he needs time to search his heart to pop the question. Is he still in touch with you but not responding as you are used to? Or did he vanish?
Try to keep your head calm and emotions under control and search your gut feeling. Did you have the feeling something was off all the time? Did you ignore any signs?
2. Search your heart
Use this time of less contact to search your own heart. Is he really the guy you want to be within 20 years? Wake up within 40 years? Now is your time to make a decision also, be blunt to yourself and work down the list with his negatives carefully to see how much water you want to add to the sweet wine of a relationship.
With the love bug not bothering you on cloud 9 so much anymore, maybe you get a sharper vision of how the relationship really is. Was it a relationship or were you just assuming? Did you guys go exclusive already or just casual dating?
And search your gut feeling, why is he pulling away? Did you guys have a fight or argument and you differ too much? Did he behave differently lately? Is he really worth the fight?
Last but not least is he still in touch with you? But only less? For we women tend to panic way too soon.
But if he has vanished and not contacting you again, maybe keep your self-worth and return the favor of not contacting him also. Try sending one message like Wanna hang out Saturday? And if he is not responding, then let him go. No need to chase after a guy that clearly does not want you anymore.
3. Talk to him
If he is still in touch with you but not as much, ask him why and how he is behaving like he is. Not in a demanding way, like: Where have you been? Why do you not respond to my messages? But more like: I worry about you, you seem distracted lately, are you okay?
Men find that kind of tone very appealing and when he is ready he probably opens up to you. Do not push him, just be supportive. For a guy that wants you will stay in touch and a guy that is occupied in his mind elsewhere, will confide in you eventually. If he cares, he shares.
Men pull away for plenty of reasons, as do women
Sometimes it is easier to ghost a person than confront a person with the truth, and it is easier to tell a lie or avoid the subject.
Dating in a different culture can give weird miscommunication: When I broke up with my Filipino boyfriend he just assumed I was giving him a hard time. Because in the Filipino culture “tampu” (not talking to or ignoring a person) is a way of telling you are unhappy and they need to shape up.
There are many ways of pulling away, the hard thing is to determine which form you are dealing with.
Love is taking risks, sometimes it is better to let a guy go than to desperately hold on to him. Other times it is worth fighting for or your partner is testing you by pulling away just to see how much you care.
That is why it is so important to know your own heart and be honest with yourself before you run to the manicure and buy new clothes just to please him and try to win him back.
It is my belief that one should not change once identity for a partner only to try to hold on to something that never belonged to you in the first place.
So, long story short:
Is your guy really pulling away or just creating a normal relationship?
Did you guys really were in a relationship or did you just assume you were?
Is he really worth the fight?
How far will you go? Guard your self-worth and self-esteem and show some pride.
No use running after a guy that does not really want you (anymore)
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Jeanette, a Dutch female nomad, started to travel the world at the age of 17. Walker of beaches, shell searcher and iPhone photographer. Writer and owner of two websites
Currently, she lives in Mexico.
She is an emigration coach and works online.