Relationships, Social Media Behaviour and Red Flags
By now I should be old and experienced enough to recognize a man that does not open his heart for you and has always one foot out of the door. I am sad to say that sometimes you meet a person that fools everyone with smooth words and false security.
Today relationships are so different from dating in the past. Where you had to sit next to the landline or mailbox, in agony to get in touch with your lover. Nowadays we can be in constant contact with each other and value the relationship also by social media behaviour and that makes it very vulnerable in every way.
Values of openness and honesty
The fact that we value a relationship and openness and honesty by social media behaviour can work for us and against us.
In my case, it worked for me. All the Social Media red flags I saw while dating my ex-boyfriend, were definitely a sign I had to abandon ship.
He seemingly created an openness about his behaviour that soothed my troubled mind a little, but I knew for sure there would be trouble in paradise the moment he introduced me to his extended female friends’ list. I told him upfront that I was not happy with the endless amount of flirty texts he received. Half nudes or maybe even nudes he sends himself to all those women and what he got in return.
I told him that I do not blossom in a relationship where I have to compete with a harem. I kind of move to the back, not willing to fight for my position. That position should come naturally with him being proud of me presenting me to his world. He was never proud of me, he kept me in his closet, a sweet, nice decorated closet, but nonetheless a closet.
For example, I send those cute heart emoji faces to one of his selfies on Instagram and the women that always commented: hola amigo, suddenly went up a notch by adding my querido amigo to it and sending him kissy smileys. That is the moment I back off. I am not playing those games. Not my style. I am not part of the harem. I should be the queen in his life.
Your boyfriend should introduce you to his world
Maybe it is immature, but for me, a part of the proof that a man is open about you in his life is his willingness to show you to the world and his world. Especially when you agreed on being exclusive and when you talk about a future together.
So him adding you to his social media, for example when he is active on Facebook, is part of that. To be out in the open, posting couple selfies and photos of date nights, makes me feel wanted, excepted and respected. And to me, it proofs he has nothing to hide and he is proud to let the world know he is with me. It sends a clear message to all the women out there: look at me, I am off the market.
So the moment a man does not accept me in his social media, or only in that social media that is nearly dead and not used for decay’s or a fake profile, I get kind of worried. And with the risk of being a nagging girlfriend, I start to ask why. And sometimes the answers are plausible, but in my last attempt at a relationship, the answers rang a bell and raised more red flags.
His reasons made me snoop around on Facebook
Part of my life is being a researcher, I research articles and information for my writing and my services. And I am a damn good researcher. I can find the key to the furnace of hell. And so I did.
And with a little easy research, I found out my so-called monogamous, exclusive (now ex)boyfriend had at least 1 other girlfriend and even male sex contacts While he told me he was not bisexual.
I caught him redhanded while changing his relationship status on Facebook, with the woman he texted when I was naked in his arms.
How humiliated can you get as a woman.
What are the warning signs in general?
Do you have doubts about your boyfriend’s faithfulness or do you question his social media behaviour? It is hard for me to tell you what is innocent and what is borderline behaviour. For, in the end, it is you that decides what is tolerable and acceptable for you or not. But in general when you search the internet on alarming behaviour with regards to the internet in your relationship you create a list like this:
- high Snapchat ratings
- multiple Facebook profiles and you are in none of them or in only one where nothing seems to happen
- constant texting and WhatsApp-messages with women
- hiding his phone
- constantly flirting with the same women on social media
- late-night phone calls that he does not answer in your presence
- vague stories about time spent where and with whom
- contradictions in words, deeds, behaviour
- hot and cold behaviour
- irritation and withdrawal
- change of habits
- dating apps, even if they deny being active, dating apps should be of no use anymore now he is with you
- not ever meeting up with his friends or family, either online or better offline.
And I am sure you can come up with a lot more……..you can leave a comment in the comment section under this article.
There is always a learning curve. A lesson you take with you into the future. I dated a man like this one before, and that relationship dragged on for two years. It shattered me and left me with no self-esteem and in a total burnout, I had to rebuild myself from scratch, and that took years. I never really became my old self again after that experience. It was a relationship with a lot of emotional and mental abuse.
It is good to listen to your gut feeling and not ignore the red flags and try to communicate about it. But to keep your mind and focus sharp, even when you ask straight out questions, you might not get honest answers. I was lied too numerous times.
So for next time and for all you out there struggling with red flags and gut feelings:
- Never ignore your gut feeling,
- Always follow up on red flags
- Let him be open about you on social media or give you a real valid reason why he will not add you
- If there is a huge female friend-list, just get out.
Unless the female friend list exists of family members it is my true belief that a huge female friend-list is usually a harem of exes. And the fact your date and all his exes sticks together feels like entering a snake pit, or a crocodile pond. They never really detach from one another and they always keep a claim or think they can claim him. For after all you are the new girl and they “know him”. And your Boyfriend (to be) will have serious commitment problems.
It is about openness and pride
A man should be proud to introduce you to his world. He should be open and honest about the two of you being together dating. Especially when you talked about being exclusive and seeing how things work out together. When he keeps you in the closet, he has something to hide.
There are men out there that will say and do anything to get you into bed with him. Trust me.
If he keeps you hidden from his world, no matter what he tells you, no matter how much he shows he loves you, you are not his prime woman, you are
- his side chick
- the other woman
- his “maybe if it doesn’t work out elsewhere” -backup plan
- his distraction
- his place holder
- his mistress
- his weeknight fuck girl
- his “easy to get to”- woman
- his non-commitment escape
- his filler
But you are not his queen.
So how about your relationship, you ended here, googling for this topic.
Do you have any questions about your relationship? Ask them in the comment section and I address them for free.
JC from Holland
Jeanette, a Dutch female nomad, started to travel the world at the age of 17. Walker of beaches, shell searcher, and iPhone photographer. Always horizon bound preferably on a motorcycle. Currently, she lives in a desert village in Baja California Sur in Mexico. She is an emigration coach and works online.
JC from Holland
Hi Sara, thank you for visiting the website and commenting your concerns about your relationship. Our biggest enemy is distrust, and our own mind at times. Combine that with the lack of communication and it can ruin your relationship. I hope you talked to him about it? In a non accusing way. Just asking? Not blaming? Maybe it is nothing, and most likely it is all in your mind. Or maybe your guy likes to keep his options open by appearing single to the outside world. But as long as he is unaware of your concerns he cannot address them and you cannot hope for improvement or a calm mind. So My suggestion is you talk to him as him why he untagged himself and why he talks to his ex, and work on trusting your guy. He cannot change what he does not know.
I started seeing this guy on June and on October we made it official. I have meet his close friends and his parents. This month we went on a trip and I decided to post pictures which he untagged himself from.
I also noticed that he talks continuously with his ex they even have hangout couple of times. But apparently she has a boyfriend, I’m really confused and I’m not sure if he is ashamed of me or he is hiding me from her.