To be honest: I struggle. I can pretend I am not but I do. I have just broken up with my Mexican boyfriend and although it was not a long relationship it was an intense one. And since I am a person that loves deep, that also means I struggle deep.
When we broke up he wanted to stay friends. But I could not. For several reasons: I still had feelings for him or at least for the man I thought he was. At that time I felt lost and alone and was wondering how it came this far that we separated our ways just a few days after we made up and worked towards a solution and a possible future together.
Another reason why I did not want to stay friends was that I refused to fit in his harem. I do not want to be one of the many women that stroke his ego every day with photos of themselves funny memes and flirty emotions. It is my belief that when you break up you’re done doing that kind of stuff.
When I break up with someone, I remove him from all social media, unfriend him, block him if necessary and after I have thrown away all memories I try to move on. It is hard to move on from this one, for I feel we did not have a chance.
And now, nearly 2 months after the initial break up and three weeks after I decided to say goodbye after we tried to fix things, I am struggling with the contact or no contact multi-million dollar question.
A Long Distance Relationship is not my thing I told him, yet we started out in a kind of LDR during a lockdown over COVID
We broke up because I did not want to be in a long-distance relationship with him. He had not proven to me to be a trustworthy partner and I need my partner close, within range. But I also proofed myself that I loved the lockdown period where we had so much fun texting and chatting. That was kind of LDR, wasn’t it?
That thought coming to mind makes me doubt about contacting him, are my reasons for this need for contact sincere? Did I think this through or does this feeling rise from a wrong source?
Why would I want to contact him?
I would like to know if he is happy, I still have feelings for him and I want the best for him. But is there an underlying reason for wanting to contact him? That is a question I have to ask myself first before I impulsive grab my phone and send him a text. And I have to consider that if I want to move on, it may not wise to reach out. The risk of falling back and revive old feelings of hurt is existing.
Do I want to reconnect and give us another try?
Do I want to hear from him that he misses me too?
Do I want to reach out because I miss a relationship?
Do I want to text him because I miss him, the person I was dating?
Do I want to know if the door is really closed?
I can’t figure it out.
And I know I should before I contact him for it would be so unfair to start a drama, or to hinder him in moving forward, or even worse, hinder myself.
And why do I not follow my feeling and just reach out? What is holding me back?
can I handle it already to hear he is happy with another person?
can I handle the answer that he is doing great and not missing me?
can I handle silence when he does not reply?
I know I truly wish him well, but are my feelings towards him and towards the whole situation up to hear him say he has found happiness? I still struggle a lot with the idea. And although I have come to peace with the greater part of how things did not work out, I have no clue if it is wise to contact him.
The opinions on the internet are divided on this subject
Like you, when I am in doubt I Google. I guess that is why you ended up here right? I don’t know about you but I find a divided internet on the subject if you can contact your ex after a breakup and what would be a reasonable time to wait before you do it, and what to say?
Some say you should contact him, some say you shouldn’t reach out to an ex, for he is an ex for a reason. But I am not a vindictive person. I guess the main reason why I have not reached out yet is that I am afraid that I will trust him again and be hurt again. Since I am a person of always believing the best in people, that is why I got hurt in the first place. Now you might say: you have learned your lesson, so be aware, but it is not so easy as that.
When you promise each other to do better and when there is remorse, and than a person decides to move for a job to another part of the country, there is little time to work your head around the whole “How are we doing and how do we move forward from here?” I had hoped for a different outcome than him moving away without even a plan or at least a conversation about us.
Ha, I guess I am writing my own answer here, ain’t I. I can see the words forming as I type. I guess that is why journaling your thoughts is such a good method. I am hesitating to reach out because I feel vulnerable. I am overthinking what might happen, or not happen.
Oh girls, wouldn’t it be amazing if there was some unwritten internet rule that men should contact us after a breakup. Like a kind of post pursue courtesy? to check on us to see if we are happy? To take this burden of us being the one struggling with this dilemma our hearts?
It would mean a lot and I mean a lot if he were the one to reach out to me first. But then again, that will probably not happen for I asked him to delete my number. We all say weird things when we are dealing with abandonment and broken dreams.
We women, we all wonder what’s the best thing to do after a breakup
It is only normal for you to have the longing to reach out, it shows you care, it shows you are a genuine person. But you have to make sure you are in the right place emotionally to do it. Contacting your ex should not mess you up again.
And that takes time. You need time to heal. So the contact does not trigger emotions that make you react from pain again. That has passed, no need to visit that place of despair and hurt again.
I hope he remembered what I once told him, that in order to be friends, I might need a little time to work through my emotions and maybe than……some days I wish that he takes this decision out of my hands and my mind and that he will contact me.
But if he doesn’t, I can understand, for I kind of took away his opportunity to seek the right words to explain, and made a decision for the both of us. I forced a goodbye, so he could not break my heart again.
But like I wrote before: I wish him well. I hope he finds happiness.
How did you deal with the breakup? Did you contact your ex and how did it go? Can you share your story so we all can learn from it? And would you like it for your ex to contact you so you should not have to deal with this emotional and vulnerable question?
Jeanette, a Dutch female nomad, started to travel the world at the age of 17. Walker of beaches, shell searcher and iPhone photographer. Writer and owner of two websites
Currently, she lives in Mexico.
She is an emigration coach and works online.