Telling lies in a Relationship
Living in the Philippines is dealing with a lot of lying. In daily life, about prices and about service, availability of products and sometimes even government services. It is a cultural difference in interpretation I guess and sometimes rules and laws in this country leave a lot of freedom of interpretation.
One would think that after 3 years of living in this country and dealing with cultural differences I would have got the hang of the constant laughing when people feel embarrassed or the yes-saying when they mean no and vice versa. In some cases, it is a matter of me not formulating my question ‘Filipino style’, in most cases it is just plain matter of Filipinos not wanting to lose face, as in: feel ashamed.
But the lying is a fact, whether or not interpreted as being a lie in my Western, foreign white mind or not. When one says A and does B or is caught red-handed, you cannot deny the fact that you are being lied to. Even if the Filipino in question denies it wholeheartedly.
It is difficult to relax in a country where you cannot trust the people around you
It is commonly known that people lie for 2 reasons, either shame or fear or secondly the liar is selfish to the bone.
I do not believe it is just one or the other, I think every lie is a combination of the two.
We feel ashamed of what we did or did not do and in our selfishness to save our butt, we lie. And we all lie. Little white lies to keep the peace or to cover up something. But when mayor lies become part of your relationships, they can cause serious damage to your self-esteem.
It is hard to relax in a country where you can not depend on people emotionally or practically. Especially when it comes to dating people.
When dating in the Philippines you run into a lot of lying as well. As relationships in general, in the Philippines are based on evasive behavior rather than confronting a person about likes and dislikes. While in the Western world we lie, but in relationships, we tend to try to be vulnerable and open up to our new found love, this is not so common among Filipino men and from what I have heard of neither with Filipinas.
Telling lies can have a devastating effect on those lied to
When we lie to our loved ones, we make them feel bad about their relationships and about themselves. And I wonder if those who lie in a love relationship know about the damage they cause.
Lying to somebody communicates a lack of respect, commitment, and care. And these 3 form the base of a solid relationship.
How did I feel when I was lied to in a relationship:
I felt disrespected and unimportant
The person telling me a lot of bullshit doesn’t care about me or trust me
enough to tell the truth.
This made me feel bad about myself, especially when the liar is caught
red-handed, it makes me feel they mock my intelligence.
I felt like a fool
I always give people the benefit of the doubt, so when I find out about
the extent of the lying I feel so utterly stupid.
Especially when I find out people tell me part of the truth and my gut feeling is sending off this alarm that I wish to ignore for I cannot believe a person that says he loves me would lie to me.
Are people testing me to see how far they can push it? Where my limits are? Do they not realize it might backfire on them? And how come you need to test me? Am I not good enough the way I am, why go beyond and take the risk of losing what I offer freely?
I felt tricked, played and manipulated
I feel so bad about myself knowing I can be conned and they believed
they could con me. My trust in people is taken advantage of and I have a hard time not to get bitter over it. I was stupid for believing people are like me: do what they say and say what they do.
It made me feel alone
When you feel like you can trust somebody and find out they abuse you and your goodness, they hold back in friendship and in investing in the relationship. So that means I was the only one fully committed and
making myself vulnerable. And they took me for granted.
I felt like I cannot trust the one I was dating anymore
It is hard not to generalize and not to become bitter when you are lied to.
Love and trust are essential in a relationship. And when you find out that
the person you trusted betrayed you by taking advantage of you or
testing you by lying to you, that trust is broken. Sometimes beyond
repair.
I thought less of my boyfriend
Knowing the person whom you love willingly lies to you and think they can get away with it breaks a bond. The person lying and thinking they get away with it builds a moral superiority over you. They somehow, in their minds, value you less, less intelligent, less streetwise, less intelligent.
They also take the power from forgiveness away from you, they deprive you of showing your goodwill and commitment to the relationship. How can I ever feel safe with a person again once they made this relationship unequal?
So that is how I felt and with me probably many, many others when we discover we are lied to in a relationship.
Although I broke up with him after his constant lying and I was very upset, sad and disappointed, I was not angry with my boyfriend.
It is my guess he assumed I was (if he cared at all), for I broke up with him. But I did that because I realized he was not offering me what I needed in a relationship most: trust and a safe place.
I realize that someone who feels the urge to lie has a lot of baggage. And maybe for them, it is the only way out. Not even realizing what they cause others in their selfish acts.
After catching him red-handed on a lie, I had to break up with him
I felt terrible about myself and I did the only thing logical: I went into survival mode: I pulled away from what I thought was a safe place. I broke up with him. And wished him well.
But I needed to withdraw in myself, I needed to nourish my wounds.
And I needed to deal with the many questions on my mind.
- How could I have ignored the red flags? Only for the sake of love?
- How come I always think people will act the same as I do, value the same moral standards and are honest and open, only because they are in a relationship?
- How come I trip over that same stupid mistake over and over again.
I had to accept that this is who I am and if this is who I want to be, it most likely will happen again
I am the kind of person that wants to trust people. That is a matter of choice. I want to believe it is good for every person, and I do believe in second and third chances. But I also know what I need in a relationship, and a bunch of bullshit lies and excuses is not that. I can not blossom in a manipulative relationship.
Liars manipulate. And they live a life built on lies, for one lie will extract another and when caught they need more lies to cover up.
The manipulation exists in the fact that they deprive you of the act of forgiving, the art of understanding and the grace you can show them when they come out clean.
Liars often find examples of worse cases, maybe they even caught you on a little lie and wave it in front of you so they still can be the victim.
They have a hard time facing the truth that they are wrong. And that they sabotage the relationship and they do not trust you enough to be upfront and honest. They undermine the relationship by lying and making up excuses for their behavior.
It is sad to realize that you are not on the same page in the relationship
Liars do not realize that facing the truth is the easiest way out of their dilemma especially when they are in a loving relationship. They miss out on the deep connection that telling the truth can create. A relationship can become stronger when you tell the truth.
And if not: you become a stronger person when you do.
When you tell the truth you show you can become a better person and you are willing to face the consequences of your actions.
When you tell the truth you grant the other person a choice, the choice of understanding and maybe even forgiveness.
By telling the truth you grant both of you a chance to grow.
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