The best time to break up, when heart and mind align
Those mixed signals both coming from him and from yourself: your heart and mind telling you two different things. I guess we have all been there.
I know I certainly have, multiple times to be honest.
My ex and I started dating again, I guess now, afterward, I realize we are the kind of people that cannot live with nor without each other. And for multiple reasons.
We did not spend too much time together this time, learning valuable lessons from the past where we overspent time together, so we agreed upon 2 dates per week.
For me, that meant 2 periods in the week of quality time. I communicated my wishes to him, maybe have lunch one day or go for a swim and go out on Friday or Saturday night. He agreed.
Little did I know that, like before, he would dance to his own tune and wanted me to dance along. If he remembered me. Our first two dates were wonderfully familiar, not awkward at all, we discussed the risks of reset buttons and the challenge of making new memories together and it seemed to work.
But something was off. My gut was doing overtime. And I hushed it.
Be quiet, I teel my gut feeling, shut up.
you remember the last time……so what has changed? My gut would reply….name those things that have changed…….
I have changed I told my gut, I know what I want this time I communicated it to him and he agreed.
Oh, woman how old do you have to be before you learn?? Men say anything to get you in bed
Well, then we skip the bed. Simple, cuddling yes, kissing a little and no sex, until you shut up annoying me.
And so I discussed the matter with myself on my lonely date nights when he was a no show
For real, did I learn from last time?
When you are dating and having doubts, the internet and friends all seem to know what you should do. But being in a relationship that makes you doubt it is hard to separate past wounds, today’s doubts and patterns. And weigh them honestly against your boundaries and self-made promises.
I read once that when you have to consult yourself on matters of the heart, your best way to be objective is by assuming you advise a best friend on the matter. What would you advise your best friend when she came to you with all these doubts……??
My gut feeling had a blast, I tell you that.
She almost peed my pants laughing. For my gut feeling knew the outcome of that approach. I had to break things off with him (again)
For he was a no show more often than a show……(tell me again JC what had changed??)
We mastered the art of roadside dating
We were kind of roadside daters, with him telling me how busy he was …..(that sounds romantic girl, roadside dating, you might set a new trend)
Hi, let’s meet up when we pass by each other driving somewhere….yeah let’s do that, no money involved, no activities, just hanging on our motorbikes and chatting away while traffic rushes by. <== that’s my alter ego explaining the concept to you.
Although I gave him money for a load on his phone, he hardly ever communicated with me, for the internet was on and off (his words) crazy it always seemed on when he was bored and wanted to talk and off when I wanted to ask him for our next date.
And that was another thing, no plans in advance were made. Never. he just wanted my availability whenever he felt like it. And that usually was when he had a bill to pay or a repair to do that emphasized his lack of income.
You can see why my gut feeling was having a blast?
It was so obvious that even I could no longer avoid the truth. Yet I did. I am the master of making excuses for lousy boyfriends. It is a gift, I know.
Heart and mind have to catch up with each other. You cannot make decisions when you are not ready for it.
It will not last.
All those websites thriving on how to get your ex back, they all thrive because we women made decisions based on friends’ advice or listing down our minds and acting accordingly, on doing an online test if he is still into you (you be surprised how accurate).
When your heart and mind are on the same page you would not dare to search the internet for ways to get your ex back, for ways to catch his attention.
You would not search the internet for reasons why he hasn’t called yet, or if he ever will. Whether or not he misses you or what it means he is dating again.
When your heart and mind are on the same page, you know what to do without a doubt
He and I chatted a little while he was on his way home from another island. Remembering how I was in the past when we both took the ferry.
I was near the port, so I suggested a meetup since I had not seen him for over a week. He agreed, but his answer was short, almost impolite, not happy, not excited……I should have seen that. But the excitement of seeing him made me overlook it.
We decided to meet at a restaurant, but I decided to surprise him and waited for him at the port gate, and the moment he saw me, it became odd.
His face did not express happiness. He obviously was uncomfortable with me being there. He kind of mumbled something to the guy walking next to him and then separated himself from the little group he was walking in and approached me like I had a contagious disease.
Distance…..I could feel it. We ran the arrant he had to do, I waited outside and then he almost literally told me to go. I have beaten him to it, but he was a little faster than I expected, and I was still processing what was happening here. I felt so awkward, so out of place, so ashamed so……. I kind of spewed out the words: maybe it is better I go home. And he replied: yes maybe it is, I have to run another arrant. And I thought: why did you agree to meet me?? But I did not speak those words.
So much was happening inside of me, I could feel my heart sink. But also sync with my mind. I could hear my gut sigh in relieve. And I fled. I got on my motorbike, I heard him ask: are you ok? I did not reply, I almost left some rubber on the streets that is how fast I pulled away, not looking back.
Later I texted him, about how I felt. I could have saved me the trouble, for he told me a lot of crap of how happy he was to see me, and I knew, I knew he was lying.
I told him I did not want to date him anymore. I did not feel it anymore. I backed out as gracefully as I could break my own heart in the process, and while my gut feeling was having champagne to celebrate.
And I never looked back. Oh, he tried…..he definitely tried to pull me back in, but I told him firmly: NO!
For there was no doubt anymore.
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Jeanette, a Dutch female nomad, started to travel the world at the age of 17. Walker of beaches, shell searcher and iPhone photographer. Writer and owner of two websites
Currently, she lives in Mexico.
She is an emigration coach and works online.