Why I follow the ‘no contact’-rule after breaking up
Breakups never come easy. Whether you are the dumper or the dumpee, both hurt. And although the no contact rule is there for different reasons, I use it for my own specific reason.
What is the ‘No Contact’- Rule?
Everywhere you look on the internet you find the ‘no contact’- rule in combination with getting your ex back. People believe that 4-6 weeks (and some say even up to three months) without any contact whatsoever, will definitely get you your ex back.
The NC-rule means:
no phone calls
no text, WhatsApp, messenger
not seeing each other
no FB contact or any other social media contact
no checking of statuses, timelines or phone logs to see if he/she has been online
Simply: no contact at all, at all costs, unless you guys have kids.
I’m not a believer in this rule. It might work for some, but my reason to use the NC-rule is a totally different one.
My reason to use the NC-rule is to send a message across to my ex
The Silent Treatment
Dating a Filipino is having to deal with silent treatment occasionally. When you do something your Filipino or Filipina does not like, they will give you tampo, the silent treatment. Non-verbally it is made very clear that you have done something to upset them. And you are to guess what. The risk is you mention ‘crimes’ he/she is not aware of giving your partner all the more reason to shut you out even longer and more persistent.
So Filipinos are used to silence in relationships as a punishment. Breaking up with them and not speaking to them for a while, in their opinion, is simply creating ‘drama’ in order to get your partner to confess and better his/her life. (for a while)
I politely asked him not to contact me for a while, so I could get used to a life without him
When I broke up with my boyfriend, I politely asked him not to send me anymore ‘good-morning’ and ‘goodnight’ messages. I needed to get used to a life without him. I find my way around my daily routine as a single again and not waking up to messages from my ex every day, let alone fall asleep with him on my mind.
He ignored my request. He kept sending me messages, every single day. When I blocked him in messenger, he switched to SMS.
The ‘No Contact’- Rule for me
I broke up with the guy because of disrespect. I did not feel respected. And him not respecting my wish to refrain from messages for a while proved me right in that feeling. So I imposed an NC-rule on him. For my own sake.
When your ex is not giving you space to heal and keeps contacting you in a way that bothers you or upsets you, I do believe in the NC-rule.
By all means.
It has been my advice to many women, to break off all contact the moment they felt trapped, pained, troubled or withheld healing, by messages, no matter how sweet, from their exes.
It is not an easy decision to make especially when you are a sociable or empathic person
Not every person can handle a breakup like a mature human being: understanding that it takes 2 to bring a relationship to the point that 1 is going to throw in the towel.
Forcing your ex to leave you alone is a hard decision to make. Maybe things ended not so bad and you can be friends after a while. But forcing the NC-rule may make that impossible.
Forcing the NC-rule means so much more than the regular NC-rule.
Forcing it means breaking with that person on every level. Like you would break with a narcissist.
you unfriend them on Facebook
unfollow them on all social media
you remove tags, and maybe even photos
you block them if that is what you feel is necessary
and you even block them on your phone
It is a personal one-way decision, that affects two people and not to be taken lightly. If it is your goal to stay friends, then this is not the way. The NC-rule creates time to heal, to grow, to learn from mistakes and if your ex does not allow that to happen, it is time to force it upon them.
It is all about feelings and that makes the decision vulnerable
Now for Filipinos that are so used to the silent treatment, forcing the NC-rule might be just the solution to set yourself free. No matter what happened between the 2 of you, sooner or later they will contact you again. I only received a message recently from a Filipino guy pursuing me over a year ago and who ghosted on me, stating he loved me.
Somehow you never get rid of Filipinos you have been dating. They pop up in your messages sooner or later. And in case of getting over a breakup that better be later.
How to decide if you need to force the NC-rule on your Filipino/Filipina?
Do the messages prevent you from moving on? Is every message a throwback to hurtful memories or longing, than force the NC-rule
What could be the reason your ex still contacts you? Is it your belief that your ex contacts you solemnly for their benefits? To see if they have you on a leash? To keep a foot between the door? Jealousy? Preventing you from moving on? Then force the NC-rule.
You have to ‘feel it out’. What is your primary feeling when your ex stays in touch despite your wishes not to? And when it is obstructing you from moving on with your life, from growing and allowing yourself to find your true self again after the break-up, then it is time to consider forcing the NC-rule.
After analyzing my feelings about his messages I knew it was time for me to force the NC-rule, despite the fact that I mentioned that we might be friends in the future.
I need space to develop my own daily routines, to find the courage to undertake adventures in my new homeland by myself, I need space to grow, to learn from the mistakes, I need to deal with feelings so I will not become bitter. And every message from him added to that risk of getting bitter over my time with him.
An ex is exit for a reason, and when that reason had something to do with not feeling respected, not being able to grow, or with dishonesty, unfaithfulness, violence, addiction or broken trust, forcing to ‘No Contact’-rule might be just the thing to do.
Especially in those cross-cultural relationships where it is embedded in the culture that it is normal to throw drama to get things your way. My reason for no contact is not to throw drama, my reason is to heal.
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Jeanette, a Dutch female nomad, started to travel the world at the age of 17. Walker of beaches, shell searcher and iPhone photographer. Writer and owner of two websites
Currently, she lives in Mexico.
She is an emigration coach and works online.