Getting back with your ex, 5 emotional stages
Every relationship is difficult and full of uncertainties. Most of the time those are tempered by feelings of happiness and butterflies.
Getting back with your ex comes with a history of failure, break up and tons of emotions coming from that.
After all: one day you decided (or he decided) that you two do not work out and a break up was the only solution.
And now you consider trying again. maybe you have been apart a few days or a few months, but the stages you go through are the same.
I believe that having been apart for a long time gives the relationship a better chance. For both of you have had the chance of dealing with emotions, overcoming anxiety and working on life lessons learned from the experience.
When the break up is rather fresh, there might still be unresolved issues that need to be addressed. And when you have been apart a longer period of time, those issues might have been resolved.
Either way, communication is crucial in getting back together with your ex.
You have to open up to each other and be honest every step of the way.
1. You will doubt the reasons why you get back together again
When getting back together with an ex, it has to be for the right reason. There has to be some sort of feeling or sense of belonging together otherwise it is no use trying. When you get back together out of comfort, pity, fear of loneliness or just because it is easier than starting dating again, you might as well stop now. Those are not good reasons.
And both of you have to be on the same page here. You equally have to want this and you both have to agree that it takes time and work and that you both have to be vulnerable to make it work.
You have to be open about mistakes made in the past and made in the future and you have to have the ability to admit that you are wrong about certain things and forgive each other.
2. You doubt your partner and maybe even yourself
Self-doubt comes naturally. When something in the new relationship does not work the way you expected or there are vague areas that you leave undiscussed doubt will set in.
Doubt about yourself and your motivations and doubts about your partner. Trust has to be regained and that will take time.
Remember every stage is a moment to take a close look at yourself and your emotions and decide whether or not you want to go through with it.
For example, for me, this stage was the moment I realized it might not work, for I ignored some red flags when I got together with my ex. he kept saying that a girlfriend took a lot of time and that he was not sure, and he did not want to label it, and he could not give me dates in advance Like in the past I always need to adjust my schedule and wait for him to show up or contact me. And that was one of the reasons I felt insecure and unsafe before the breakup. So, at the moment I have serious doubt it will work for me. We can be friends, but I think that is about it, we both need to pursue our own happiness. And for sure I need to pursue mine. For in a relationship you are responsible for your own happiness.
So instead of sitting around waiting for him to show up or try to make an appointment, I live my own life. Abundantly, and he finds my door closed a lot. And sometimes I plain have no urge to see him, and I tell him we better decide on a different night. Now instead of scheduling the next evening, he agrees and goes all silent. And I have to wait again for him to contact me.
Sad but realistic. Nostalgia is not a good reason to get back together. And for me there is a lot of nostalgia involved, I tend to forget the bad and remember only the good, but the bad is catching up with me. And how I deal with that sets the tone for the new relationship.
I learned that I need him to meet me halfway. And he still can not do that, he only learned that girlfriends take a lot of time, we are obviously not on the same page, although we both agreed that seeing each other 1-2 times per week would be enough. Still, he can not give me a heads up on a date and time. Shame, for now, we rarely meet, due to the fact that I refuse to sit around and wait for him.
3. You wonder if it will end again after putting in a new effort
You will be very anxious to disagree int he beginning. Disagreement can become an argument and end up in a fight. Remember that fighting is part of being in a relationship. Do not avoid disagreement just for the sake of keeping the peace. If communication is not a hot item, and you guys skip the talk about the past, you might end up dealing with the same issues as before the initial break up. So you have to talk about what went wrong and why. And even then, you will ask yourself if you guys are meant to be together, will you grow old together and all those questions will come with a certain amount of doubt, just like any other relation in progress will give. Only in your case, it comes with a history you have built together.
I guess this stage goes hand in hand with stage 2, the doubt. because you make yourself all vulnerable again and you want to guard yourself the moment doubt sets in. For it will be painful all over again.
4. You realize that this will be a whole new relationship
You cannot just continue where you left off. You have to start anew. You have to date, make new memories and find another song to dance to, watch sunsets together from different places and change holiday destinations. Discover each other a new and the world around you.
Take it slow. Do not feel like you have to move in together or commit before you are ready.
The time before the break up does not count. You start counting the day you decided to give it another try.
IF you do not feel comfortable with intimacy right away, put it off for a while. Slowly progress and slowly work your way through the different stages. Keep talking and keep checking your feelings and state of being. are you still happy? does it feel right?
After all, the only thing you bring in from the past is the lessons learned. And from there it is all new.
5. You are able to rekindle love and intimacy and the relationship is heading somewhere
The day you speak the words: I love you will be a new momentum. And you know the relationship is really taking off. You may have overcome your initial doubts and fears and can start to relax and enjoy, break down the walls around your heart and open up towards each other.
If you have made it this far, you are dating like every regular new couple is dating, The past is in the past and should stay there. And the future is yours.
Remember: Communication is the key to a healthy mature relationship. So keep communicating.
And every stage is a moment to re-evaluate, Are you still on the same page? Are you still happy? My ex and I broke things off again as I wrote, there were red flags and when I addressed them he was kind of avoiding the subject. He just wanted to press the reset button.
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