The moment I stopped investing in you

When I broke up with you I was hurt, I was in great pain.

You broke my trust knowing that I had trust issues and although you promised me to be different, and that we would be different, you willingly and knowingly broke my trust.

And that hurt more than discovering you had another girlfriend and I was just a side chick.

I lashed out, wanted to hurt you the same way you hurt me. I needed you to feel pain although I knew already that selfish men like you do not feel the same kind of pain, for you do not know how to really connect to another person. Because you fear intimacy.

At the same time, I did not want to have anything to do with you anymore. I felt dirty, used, abused.

But somehow we talked, and my anger got clouded, by all your words. You are a smooth talker, I give you that.

But we never really “talked”, after the breakup, did we. All we did was soothing your bruised ego. I see that now. For my wounded heart was never on your agenda. All that matters to you is you.

After everything you did to me, you tried to make me feel even worse about myself than I already did, on top of being cheated on and being used for your pleasure, you tried to guilt-trip me. As if I was the one who started all this betrayal.

And that is why I left without another word. That is why I never told you I gave up. That is why my voice became softer and softer until it became silent.

And if you ever really cared about me, that was the moment you should have worried, for lashing out in pain means there are still feeling, otherwise there cannot be any pain. But not caring anymore means that all the feelings are gone.

When indifference sets in, a woman does not feel the need to defend herself anymore, to fight, to inflict an equal amount of pain.

When indifference sets in that is the moment you finally lost her. That is the moment she does not value a man anymore, that is the moment she can move on from all a man did to her.

That was the moment I left the ruins that you willingly created.

Because you have proven that you can never have an open and mature conversation that makes me feel safe to communicate with you. You have proven that you do not respect me because respect was never on your agenda. Nor was there ever any intimacy or bonding between us.

There is only you and your selfish needs

You blamed me for the way I responded to your betrayal.
What did you expect?
For me to welcome you back in and forgive you? Like all the other women in your harem? To be your submissive mistress?

I did not lash out to you with words or remove you from my life, because I felt respected, or because I felt special, or loved.
I did not just throw a tantrum to make a point.
I made a conscious decision to end us.
Because “we” had no right to exist, and you knew that otherwise you would not have lied about it and kept your other life hidden from me.

Because you could not see my value.

Me walking away, without even telling you I was done, should have bothered you more than anything. If you truly loved me as you claimed, my silence, my disappearing voice should have touched your heart realizing that you broke the woman you claimed and lost the woman you “loved so much”.

~

By walking away, I probably made you selfish life a lot easier, because now you could avoid answering all those questions I wanted to ask you involving your character and lack of integrity.

I do not need to ask them anymore, because I do not value you anymore, you are no longer my hero.

By walking away I finally placed myself above you as you place yourself above everybody in your life. But I did not become selfish like you, I do not feel lonely like you.

I do not live a life that seeks constant admiration and gratification, I do not live a fantasy life with a scheming and dishonest harem to boost my ego.

I live my life, honest, with a learning curve, in self-reflection and a drive to change.

I live my life in a deep respect for fellow human beings, but you no longer can count yourself among those I cherish and respect.

In the end, I might look a looser to you and your female friends, for so they told me. And you may feel that I have lost the most amazing person in the world, for that is the way you present yourself.

But dear ex here is the catch:

I turn around to the world and say: hey, look at me, I have become stronger, I have learned from this. I am happy I took good care of my heart.

And you turn to your harem and say: Hey, look at me I lost again. Boost my ego all ye women for I am so fucking lonely…..

I win,

You lose.

Next chapter.