My ex is pursuing me to get me back

I think I am in a position many women that are heartbroken dream about. I have my ex pursuing me to get me back. So many websites are dedicated to this subject and women follow a hopeless cause of getting back together with their exes, wise or not, and here I am and I have no idea what I want. 

Dating in Mexico has been difficult. The culture, especially at my age when men were raised “old style” with all the machismo and stuff and the lesser position of the women. But my struggle is not with that, my ex-boyfriend was a gem in gender equality, in many areas of the relationship. But it has been a battle in language. We, women, know men are not the best communicators in the world, well, throw the language barrier into that crockpot and you have a chewy stew.

Due to the distance between us, (1.5-hour travel at least) our relationship kind of evolved around the weekend. On his Sunday day off to be precise. He would arrive on Saturday evening and leave early Monday morning. And I would be exhausted due to all the Spanish and following his wandering thought paths while talking. He could wander off a topic by miles and it was hard for me to follow. I tried, but I lost track too many times of our conversation. (read: I date someone who doesn’t speak my language)

And communicating my feelings and emotions in a third language was even harder. I tried, but I struggled. And I realized we were getting nowhere. The second reason for me breaking up with him was that he was moving forward so fast, and thinking about a settled relationship, while I told him from day one, that might not happen due to my nomadic lifestyle. I felt pressure in more than one way through all this. And I could see him struggle as well and I knew he was going to be hurt when I would decide to leave, although I warned him over and over again.

I guess he is the kind of man that when he has an idea in his head he goes in denial about any other options.

I moved house about 3 weeks ago (read:  I moved house and got a new motorbike) and now I live in the same city as where he lives. But since I broke up with him weeks before moving, I never got in touch with him. But he had a plan in his mind all along. He knew the weakening point in our relationship was the excessive amount of time spent together that early in the relationship. We were kind of playing: mum and dad, so to speak while we should be dating and having fun.

Now, he and I live in the same city and he wants to hang out and have fun and is pursuing me to do so. And I have no clue what to feel or what to think. 

I am kind of lost. So I search the internet for additional wisdom, and all I find is that this situation is kind of a wishful outcome on many websites that have the selling point of getting back together with your ex. But that is not the point here. I had no wish to get him back. Yeah, sure I missed him, but I missed the fun part of us, not the troubled, badly communicating part, definitely not. I also did not miss that part where he struggles to keep up with me. But I missed the fun, the laughter, and connecting with a person. Is that person him? I have no clue.

I enjoy spending time with him, but he is so in love it kind of scares me.

He told me he is talking to a psychologist and I think that is a wise move. He had a terrible few years, losing all he owned due to gigantic hospital bills when his wife and oldest son got sick and both died. His whole life has been upside down for a long time. Going from job to job because he lost his business did not add any stability to his life either. And he was merely surviving.

So that is good progress I guess. But my plans to move away got more serious. I finally got my motor and I am ordering bags and looking for boots and stuff like that. And relationships and settling down are in the backtrack of my mind. Yet he tells me he is building a house, he is moving forward and he wants me to share that house with him.

He is a sweet guy but is that enough. On the other hand, I have this feeling of tiredness, I start to feel my age. I turned 60 recently and maybe I should settle down and give in to all the feelings of dating and falling in love. I think I can fall in love with him if I allow myself to open up to this whirlwind of feelings. And he said he would not mind if I travel as long as I return to him.

Confusion will be my epitaph

I used to wear a bracelet, way back in the Netherlands, with the line of a song of King Crimson: “Confusion will be my epitaph”. For I find the world sometimes so confusing and I can make such a mess of things. And here I am……the super overthinker,……..confused……….again.

I have no clue how to move forward. I told him: day by day……, and for the first time in my life, my pro and con-lists are not helping. I struggle with deciding on a new future, I struggle in a language I have not yet mastered enough to build a strong relationship (that is my feeling), and I struggle with what I want.

Now, in my mind, a little voice whispers: “if it were any other city but this city”.

I want to leave Cancun so badly, I dislike living in Quintana Roo, I never planned on being here for so long. And yet I know I am making up excuses. I know I do, but the past has proven that I do not do very well in relationships. Although I long for one at times.

• Should I go and try this since he loves me so much, or should I hold on to the dream that love should be equally strong between partners?
• Can I learn to love him more?
• We are good when we are together, is that good enough to overcome the times apart?
• Why do I feel pressured by his love and plans?
• Will we ever communicate better?
• We broke up 3 times already, is this an on and off relationship that will never calm down?
• Why can I not simply do what I feel I have to do for myself, including him, and let it happen or not?
• Do I open my heart again and see how it goes?
• Will he accept it if I say I will not return to him in the end? And is that fair?
• Why am I overthinking this?

Since the internet only provides information and tips for people in a totally different situation and in a different age range as well my questions stay unanswered.  I guess I just have to see where it goes and try not to hurt him, hang out, guard my boundaries and test my feelings every so often to see where I stand.

And now I am staring at my phone at this declaration of love and the best wishes for my day and I have no clue how to reply……..one would think that at the age of 60 relationships would be more simple, right?