The risk of seeing the person you are dating too much.

Although I am the kind of person that likes to spend a lot of time with my new love, I also like me-time a lot. The hardest part is to find a healthy balance in which both partners find contentment.
That can be difficult. It is my experience that due to jealousy and insecurity time spent together is easily overdone.

The troublesome outcome of overspending time with a new lover is that you potentially commit to a person before you get a chance to know them well.
For example, Filipinos like to rush into commitment, committing to anybody is a thing you should do at your own pace. As to where Mexican men seem to depend a lot on WhatsApp for ‘Quality time”.

We, women, think that most men do not have a very good reputation.
Ask any woman who is dating and you will hear stories about hook-ups, betrayal, ghosting and more. And in some cultures, it is accepted that love includes a lot of pain and drama.

But we women have a reputation of our own
Women can be clingy, insecure, jealous and that can make your dates live a living hell. Some have untold children staying with a family. Often a woman will present herself as a simple girl, god-fearing, only to turn into a total dramatic meltdown once she is seeing someone.

I cannot press enough to take your time when dating

Your heart or your partner might want to rush into a monogamous steady relationship with a clear view on a  ring and wedding dress and the word ‘Forever”.  But do not fall for makebelieve. Do not let yourself be pressured into anything that gives you a shiver. Take your time to get to know your significant other before you tie any knot whatsoever or duplicate the front door key.

Let things happen at their own pace and guard your boundaries. When you spent a lot of time together that might be difficult to do. For example,  in the Philippines, if you become ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ it is pretty much accepted that you will move in together and live happily ever after. Only the last part of that sentence could become a lifetime sentence.

When your Filipino beau turns out to be a regular cockpit gambler or a barkada drinker or when your Mexican lover also loves to entertain other women, you might be ending up with a lot of heart-ache. And whenever you feel the need to ask for your partner’s passwords to their phone, you need to sit down with yourself and wonder what your gut feeling is telling you.

You should take your time to make sure that the person you are dating is the one you picture a future with

I have heard stories of expats dating girls in the Philippines that had their chaperone that was actually their husband with them. And in Mexico, single girls pretend to be virgins come up with a kid. Most men in Mexico say they are separated, and in a sense they are, for they live across the country, away from their wives to earn an income. But that does not mean they are divorced!!
So both men and women pull their tricks in the dating game. And it will be, due to the cultural differences quite an experience when you rush into matters.

So what is an acceptable time spent together when you are dating?
I find that hard to advise. For some 3 times a week is acceptable, for others once a week. I’d say everything between those two is acceptable.
And of course, it is fun to text back and forth during the days you do not see each other: good morning, sleep well, and have a nice day…..that is the romance that comes with being in a relationship I guess,, especially now when we are all glued to our cellphones.

But face to face meetings, as in dates, quality time or when you are in a long-distance relationship: Skype time, should be once a week at least and three times a week maximum.

Exceptions to be made on special occasions like

• birthdays,
• anniversaries,
• Christmas
• Valentines day

to name a few.

There are no fixed laws or rules on this. And research has proven that there is a growth of grey area once you start seeing each other too often. You do not know each other well enough to push limits and explore boundaries and maybe even cross them.
Let things happen at their own pace. But know your boundaries and do not overstep them to please the other. Once seeing each other too often and being already committed in an imaginary relationship before you’re even asked, is hard to reverse.

Remember in some cultures dating is done with the purpose to marry

While living in the Philippines, I had men proposing to me and they tell me: the getting to know each other we can do that after we get married. And they were absolutely serious about that. They like you, they love you, they want to marry you. Forever.

There is no such thing as casual dating in the Philippines, the endgame is always to stay together for ever. And somehow those intentions are much better than the occasional dating I discovered in Mexico that seems to revolve only around sex. But you have to able able to say no, to break up and to be reasonable about your future wishes in a future partner you want to spend the rest of your life with, and that takes time.

So keep it balanced! 

Tips:

1. See each other 2-3 times a week, or do face time meetings when you are in a long-distance relationship
2. Set boundaries for overnights stays and maximum time once thing move forward
3. When your partner asks you something, and you are in doubt, ask time to think it through before promising anything
4. Keep your head cool and your wallet closed until you know for sure that your new-found love is with you for all the right reasons.
5. Commitment is a spoken word, you do not assume you are in a relationship, you are asked to be in one. So make sure that the person you are dating is on the same track and the end station is the same also.
6. Be honest about the time spent apart and the time you need for yourself.

Just make sure that although you might see each other every day or night, that you are not in a committed relationship unless you want to be there. Do not slip into a grey area where your partner can assume…..keep things clear and follow your heart.

Have fun dating!

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